I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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