She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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