I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
