u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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