Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
