It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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