i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
