So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
