I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
