she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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