he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
