I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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