I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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