I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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