The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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