It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
