You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
