No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
