genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
