highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
