More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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