new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
