How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
