my sisters under your porch take her home
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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