i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
