Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
