he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
