im drinking this country out of the recession.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
