so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
