i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
