all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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