I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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