think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
