Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
