I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A+ Viking dick
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
