and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
