someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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