I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
