I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
