I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have post one night stand depression
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