I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
