Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
