I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
