I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
