If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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