ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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