So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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