My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
