Nicole vs. Life
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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