I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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