mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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