my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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