Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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