twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
