I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
